Books about social interaction
Reader Sammy Rashidchi commented on a previous post about wanting recommendations for more reading about social interaction. Frequent readers know that this area is of extreme interest to me and I've done a lot of reading about the topic. So here's a list of books I recommend if you want to learn more about how people interact with one another. This isn't an exhaustive list, but it's a good start:
- Get Anyone To Do Anything (Lieberman) - The name of the book sounds a little creepy and mind control-ish, but really it's a fairly tame look at what influences people in certain situations. You really can't get anyone to do anything, but you can manipulate situations so that the outcome is a desirable one. The book is filled with interesting anecdotes from studies about human behavior and social interaction to back up the suggestions. Well worth the read.
- The Art of Seduction (Greene) - Another one that sounds much more devious than it actually is. The purpose of this book is to explore seductive character traits, understanding how famous seducers throughout history were able to use their charm to get their way. We're not just talking about romantic seduction, but also political and business seduction. The book explains the different seduction techniques as well as their downfalls. Seduction is not about capturing someone's heart, it's about capturing someone's mind and imagination.
- How To Talk To Anyone (Lowndes) - This book is mistitled because it's about much more than just talking to people, it's about interacting with them in general. The focus of the book is how to be in control of each situation and, more importantly, how to show others respect make them want to interact with you more. I consider this book "light" reading because it flows from one situation to the next and gives an almost checklist-like description of what to do (and what to avoid).
That's just a taste of the books that are good starting points for better understanding human interaction. There's so many more books on my reading list that I haven't yet gotten to but look promising, as well. I'll be sure to post reviews of them as I finish.
Why software engineers fail
I was reading an interesting entry over at fellow Yahoo Luke Wroblewski's blog entitled, Why Designers Fail. The entry outlines research done by Scott Berkun regarding the career of designers and why some fail to achieve the results they desire. Luke sums up the findings nicely saying that many of the reasons why designers fail have little to do with the design skills of the designer: "Many top reasons for failure are not typically considered design issues, such as collaboration skills, persuasion skills, and receiving critical feedback."
What struck me most about the findings were that these skills are things that could hold back anyone in their career. Actually, reading the entry reminded me of one of the first conversations I had with my current manager at Yahoo! His words still ring in my ears from time to time: "At this point, we already know that you have all the technical skills to do the job; what determines how far you'll go is really more about how you deal with people."
I believe this is true for nearly any profession. When you begin your career, it's important to prove that you have the skills to do the job. Writers must prove they can write, designers must prove that they can designer, teachers must prove that they can teach. After proving you can do the job, you need to show that you can continue to grow in the role. This means learning new skills, making fewer mistakes, and being able to do the job without oversight. At this level, what you're really doing is earning the trust of your superiors and co-workers. After that comes the point at which many people fail: evolution into a piece of the organization. This typically begins the conversation about the Peter principle.
The Peter principle says that you'll keep getting promoted until you finally end up in a job that you can't do. This happens because the higher up in the organizational structure you move, the less your technical skills matter and the more your people skills matter. So whereas you began in a position that played to your strengths, you end up in one that plays to your weakenesses. This is precisely what Berkun found in his study, that designers were failing due to factors outside of their design skills. That is why designers fail. It's also why software engineers fail.
Designers and software engineers, once they rise high enough in the organizational hierarchy, both need to learn how to work within the organizational structure. Oftentimes, that means gaining the trust of business partners: designers need to gain the trust of engineers, engineers need to gain the trust of product managers. Gaining the trust of these business partners means being able to successfully negotiate, compromise, and work towards meeting a common goal without alienating people through your actions and speech. This is typically where people falter in their careers.
Yahoo! is a huge company, and this year I've had to learn how to play the organizational game. I can honestly say it's been far more challenging than anything I've done before. Dealing with people is much more difficult than dealing with technology, that's for sure. You need to understand what each person responds to in terms of approach. Some people will easily cave when pressure is applied, others need to be convinced through logical argument while another set may require emotional persuasion. And of course, all of this must be done while making sure that all of these people still respect you and don't feel manipulated.
Fortunately, my interest and research in social interaction has really helped me thusfar. Understanding what drives people and how to communicate effectively have been key to me. If you have aspirations of moving up in your company, then it would behoove you to also start researching these topics. The only way to really get ahead in business is a better understanding of people. Hard skill jobs such as engineers and designers are commodities that can easily be outsourced if necessary; soft skill jobs requiring you to work with and inspire others will always be in high demand and, as a bonus, can never be outsourced. Mastering people skills ensures employability, and more importantly, ensures that you won't fail.
Facebook: The transparent society
"Wow, she is cute," I exclaimed to my friend who had just showed sent me a photo of a girl on Facebook.
"I know," he said, "but I wouldn't put a comment to that effect in the message. I'm not sure if she'll get to see it or not."
I admit that I was late to the Facebook phenomenon. I was already out of college when I first heard about it, and at that time, you could only sign up using a college email address. I signed up for an account when Facebook opened up enrollment to everyone just to see what it was all about. I played around for a bit and didn't get it at all. My account remained mostly unused for months.
Slowly, people started finding me and friending me on Facebook. I'd log in just to accept the friend request (to be polite) and would often get stuck reading something about someone I knew. Then the games started. Friends would start challenging me to any number of online games. Being the incredibly competitive person that I am, I could resist. Any loss meant I immediately had to challenge them back. I hate losing and the thirst for instant revenge was easily quenched.
As my network grew, so did my usage of Facebook. I went from only logging in when someone sent me a friend request to logging in just to see what everyone was doing. And then doing that multiple times a day. And that's why Facebook is the phenomenon that it is, because it encourages what has become known as "check in" behavior. You feel compelled to constantly check in with Facebook to see what's going on. It taps into the voyeuristic side in all of us, both the part that loves watching others and the part that loves being watched.
Following the conversation with my friend, I realized that Facebook isn't just a social network; Facebook is actually a society in and of itself. There is only one rule in this society: complete transparency. When you become a member, you agree to broadcast all kinds of information about yourself with the understanding that anyone who knows you will receive it. Anything you do within the confines of this society is fair game, and further, you're encouraged to share what you're doing outside of the society as well. Integrations with your Flickr and Delicious accounts will inform others when you've made changes, you can automatically import your blog postings, and tell everyone what videos you've watched on YouTube.
Facebook fascinates me from a social interaction point of view. It answers the question, "what would it be like if everyone knew what everyone else was doing?" In this society, your friends all know when you've met someone new, when you've started dating someone, when you've broken up, when you've changed jobs, when you've moved, and more. The complete and utter transparency of Facebook interactions actually forces members to change their behavior. Everyone knows that if they do something offensive within the network, anyone they're connected with will be informed...instantly. As a result, the Facebook society becomes almost self-regulating. The transparency that inspires openness also inspires fear. The fear of being ostracized from the rest of society is a strong enough force to alter one's behavior. That fear is evident in the conversation with my friend; neither of us wanted this girl to know that our conversation had happened and so we altered our behavior to ensure that.
Now imagine that the same social interaction rules applied in real life. The conversation with my friend would mean that this girl receives a notification that I thought she was cute. This happens because he is actually friends with her and friends with me, so that common connection opens up the door for information. If I knew that this was the consequence of mentioning how cute I thought this girl was, I'd think twice before stating it publicly. In fact, I'd probably only say it if I had some belief that she'd welcome the compliment and be potentially interested in pursuing a romantic relationship.
Imagine that. A society where people actually think about the consequences of what they say and do because they know their actions aren't secret. Imagine how real life would change if people behaved like this every day. Imagine getting a message, "Michael just cheated on his wife" or "James nearly hit an old lady crossing the street because he wasn't paying attention." That's what a fully transparent society would be like. And you can experience it today on Facebook.
“I want this so bad”
Those who know me understand that I'm really into social dynamics, how people interact with one another, how relationships work (both romantic and not), how groups interact and so forth. I've always found social interaction to be incredibly interesting with all of the hidden signals behind things are both spoken and left unsaid. Today I had a little realization about a phrase I hear too often, so I wanted to share.
The phrase is, "I want this so bad" (also sometimes said as, "I really want this"). I heard it numerous times tonight while watching the show, So you think you can dance? Yes, I watch these types of reality shows if for no other reason than I applaud entertainment that makes the arts cool. In any event, there comes a point where someone either didn't make the cut or isn't sure if they did when they inevitably utter this phrase, "I want this so bad."
This phrase is usually preceded by "but" or "because", meaning that something negative was said first or a question was asked. I've seen this a lot on reality shows during cuts but also at the auditions I've been at. Another place I've experienced it is during breakups, when one person wants to stay in the relationship and the other does not. These are emotionally-charged words, typically uttered in desperation as a final plea.
After thinking long and hard about it, I came to the conclusion that this phrase, "I want this so bad," should be a clear indicator of a deficit in previous action. If you get to the point where this is said, it means that there was a prior point at which action was required, but you were either unable or unwilling to take it.
I had a wonderful creative writing teacher in college who used to say, "don't tell me, show me," as a way of critiquing our writing. By saying, "I want this so bad," I believe it means that you didn't do that. It means that there was a time when you could have shown, a time when you could have taken action, a time when you could have done something to prove your worth or fit. There was a time when you could have done something to prevent yourself from ever using this phrase. But you chose not to. By uttering this phrase, you are gasping your last breath, trying desperately to hold on to something that perhaps you didn't give enough attention to.
Once you have uttered this phrase, you may as well pack up your things and leave, because you are verbalizing something that shouldn't require words. Your actions failed and now you are trying to use words to mend something that required much more effort. No, you are not going on in the competition; yes, you are being cut; I'm sorry, I don't want you back.
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