IM with a co-worker
Him: /me is sorry if he keeps repeating himself
Me: No worries. I can always minimize the window.
Tech support
Dad: Nicholas!
Me: What?
Dad: What happened to the computer?
Me: Huh?
Dad: The monitor used to turn on automatically, now it doesn't.
Me: Dad, the monitor never turned on automatically.
Dad: Then why would it come up as soon as I turned on the computer?
Me: That's because Mom never turns the monitor off when she turned the computer off.
Dad: Oh...so how do I make it turn on now?
Me: Hit the power button.
Conversation with a colleague
Me: we did have a ton of presence there, nice to see
Him: yeah, gave me a smile
Me: ah, I thought that was gas
(excerpted from IM)
Conversation with a friend
Her: ...and how long were you together?
Me: We were together for two years.
Her: Oh, and then what happened?
Me: Then we broke up.
Conversation with shuttle driver
Arriving home from Las Vegas, I had made a door-to-door shuttle reservation to get from San Jose airport to my place. My flight was delayed by a half hour, and this apparently confused the shuttle driver. It seems that tried to contact me by phone, except he was using the wrong number.
Driver: You're Zakas?
Me: Yes, that's me.
Driver: Finally! I tried calling you, why you no pick up?
Me: What number are you calling? Is it my home phone?
Driver: I call (repeats my home phone number)
Me: Yeah, that's my home phone number.
Driver: I call multiple times but you no pick up.
Me: I'm sorry, I don't usually pick up that phone when I'm not at home.
Conversation with my doctor
Doctor: ...and I don't have any tetanus information here. Has it been ten years since you had a tetanus shot?
Me: Um...no.
Doctor: Want one while you're here?
Me: No.
Doctor: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Doctor: I'm just going to keep nagging you every time I see you until you do.
Me: I don't plan on coming back anytime soon.
I looked over his shoulder at what he was writing next to immunizations. His words: "maybe next time."
What time is it?
Mom: Can you let me know when it's 5:15?
Me: Sure. (Glancing at my watch.) It's 5:23.
Mom: What? I said 5:15.
Me: It's 5:23 now, right now.
Mom: I thought you said it was 5 o'clock?
Me: It was 5 o'clock the last time I checked.
Mom: Well when was the last time you checked?
Me: Apparently about 23 minutes ago.
The breakup
Her: So what ever happened to that girl?
Me: Oh, we broke up.
Her: I'm sorry...
Me: No no, it's okay, it was mutual.
Her: Really?
Me: Yeah, we both agreed that she didn't want to see me anymore.
Conversation with Yiayia re: Halloween
Yiayia: Nicholas.... (pondering)
Me: Yes?
Yiayia: ...do...do they have Halloween in California?
Me: Yes.
Yiayia: They do?!??!
Me: Yes, they do.
Mom: Mom, it's a national thing.
Yiayia: It is?
Me: Yes. (laughing)
Yiayia: Well how the hell am I supposed to know?
Me: (still laughing)
Yiayia: But I mean, do they dress up and do trick-or-treating?
Me: Yes, they do all that.
Yiayia: Really?
Me: Yes.
Yiayia: Then why don't I see any pumpkins or decorations?
Me: I'm not in a very festive neighborhood, apparently.
Yiayia: Huh.
Me: Trust me, there will be plenty of costumes and trick-or-treating.
Conversation with Yiayia re: toys being thrown over my fence
Yiayia: What's all that stuff in your yard?
Me: The kids next door throw it over.
Yiayia: Well, why don't you throw it back?
Me: I used to, but they keep throwing it over.
Yiayia: Well, they just want to play with you.
Me: Um, no they don't.
Yiayia: Yeah they do! They're just little kids.
Me: They're not that little, they're at least five.
Yiayia: That's little!
Me: But it's old enough that they know what happens when you throw something over the fence.
Yiayia: They just want to play with you.
Me: No they don't.
Mom: And he's not even home when it happens.
Yiayia: They think it's a game!
Me: No, they don't.
Yiayia: You should go out and play with them.
Me: No.
