Nicholas Zakas' Personal Blog A deviation from my usual tech writing

Overcoming social anxiety

I was always shy. Seriously shy. So shy that only some of my teachers in elementary school knew my name. For the uninitiated, it's the kids that either talk a lot or act out that teachers tend to focus on and whose names become burned in their minds. When you never raise your hand and hide behind other kids so you won't get picked for things, your name tends to slip people's minds. And that was just fine with me.

In high school, I started noticing a trend: I was sick for every party, every dance, every social gathering that clearly marks one as being a teenager. My adolescent mind took a while to grasp the true issue. The fact is, I was getting so nervous about social situations that I was making myself sick. This was far beyond my normal shyness. I remember one instance in particular. My friend Nicole was having her sweet 16 birthday party and it was quite an event. I arrived, took on step in the door, and instantly felt that same panic and nausea. I didn't even get a chance to say before I had turned around and walked back outside. The cold air hitting against my face was the only thing keeping me from passing out. I was so panicked that even the thought of walking back in made me feel horrible. My trusty compadre Phil hung out with me outside without fully understanding why I was out there. When my mom came to pick me up, I was beside myself. I was frustrated and embarassed and knew that something wasn't right. I told her what happened and asked if she could find me someone to talk to...a psychiatrist, psychologist, or something. I just knew I didn't want to be this way.

At the time, social anxiety wasn't being advertised on commercials with little sad rocks and sunny landscapes. Thankfully, I didn't end up with someone who wanted to mediate me, instead finding a counsellor with whom I could figure out the source of the issue. It took time, a few different relaxation techniques, and a lot of work to deal with the social anxiety, but I eventually got to the point where these situations didn't affect me the same way.

Those who've met me may be shocked at this, as most people consider me to be fairly social and outgoing. But I wasn't born that way. Overcoming ridiculous shyness and social anxiety is something that I've worked at over time. Even now, I give myself a little pat on the back when I do well in a social situation.

Yesterday, for example, I went to a friend's birthday party. On the way, I laughed as I remembered the ritual I'd go through before going to parties when I was younger...the mantras, the meditations, the psych-up. This time, I just drove there and didn't worry about it. I must have talked to somewhere between 15 and 20 people at the party, and of them, I only knew five previously. Of the ones I didn't know, I initiated the conversation with most of them. People who were never shy or who never had social anxiety can't fully understand how difficult doing that can be. I drove home quite pleased with how the party went.

I wanted to share this now in the hopes that it would give others some hope in their battle with social anxiety. It's not a lifelong sentence and doesn't always require medication. If you find someone you can work with to uncover the issues around your social anxiety, you can have great success and enjoy parties and other gatherings like I do now. Party on!